wJeremiads
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." -Aldous Huxley

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wSaturday, April 30, 2005


I MAY REGRET THIS: With the advent of EveryoneBlogging(TM), people invariably write about their work. Sometimes they use their own bandwidth to bitch about a boss, and sometimes bosses read said bitching, and fire the bloggers' sorry asses. Not saying that I side with the bosses on this one, but I understand. When a former Spectator freelancer recently publicly confessed that, well, yes, she wrote for the publication but it made her feel all "icky" and she only did so because it meant that she could buy "nice pairs of shoes," my mental state was not so good.

That said, a confession. Readers who have read discontent into my relative silence here about my day job at a certain think tank are not so much wrong as unambitious. It's my whole life that lately isn't rising to meet my low expectations. And I think -- ultimately -- that I must be the problem.

I have a job that many people would kill for, that is not overly hard or demanding, that offers all kinds of fringe benefits, and yet it feels like a grind. I have friends who are great and helpful, who go beyond any reasonable expectation to help me out, and yet I take little joy in them; I slink away from most social occasions asap. My freelance writing is going better than I should expect, but even as I pound away at the keyboard for GetReligion and several other publications, even as I close in on that elusive book deal that I've always wanted, the overwhelming sense is of inertia.

I am probably clinically depressed and God only knows what keeps me going. Last weekend, I did not go to church because I just could not bring myself to get up and go...anywhere really. Weekends have become an exercise in loafing around the house, trying to get a bit of writing done, and usually failing.

Anyway, that's my life right now. If I was an optimist, I'd say, Things will get better. But I don't see how. I mean, according to most measures, I am doing very well for myself. I am a success story. And I am miserable.

posted by Jeremy at 11:11 PM